HIDING IN THE OPEN…

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We wear so many masks

We seek to hide from the ones

Whom we seek to attract

We even seek to hide from ourselves

 

Our discomfort with ourselves

Drives us to don our ‘outside’ faces

While our malaise with our lives

Sees us applying the ones we wear ‘inside’ for ourselves

 

We spew the right words …

We speak of confidence and

Inner strength … talking to each other

About taking our places at the helm

But we cringe at the very thought

 

We brag about bringing home

The bacon, and loving it

But we are scared shitless

At the thought of hanging

To bring it ALL home

 

We lie to each other

We cheat ourselves

We berate ourselves

Behind closed doors

We stride with supposed gusto

In open daylight

While we bawl our eyes out

In our secret places at night

Having forgotten that the

Only masks we need

Are the beautiful faces

And Spirits that we were

Gifted with at birth

 

We have allowed the din and distractions

To silence the voice of the

One we need to listen to the most

While we hide from Him in plain sight

Forgetting that He sees us everywhere

 

Stillness

Silence is your friend

Listen

Concentrate on what’s really there

It won’t hurt

This is all you need…

MOON DAYS, GODDESS TIME…

MOON GODDESS

 

I am a creature of emotion … I am a being of light … I am a woman of strength.

That being said, I am never clingier, or moodier, or needier than when I am on my cycle.

I’ve seen and heard all the cutesy supposedly empowering names that women have come up with to somehow attempt to soothe us into thinking that we are destined to ENJOY this time. Doesn’t work though, because I hear those names in my head and it just mocks the cramps, the bitchiness and the need to cuss out that woman, Eve!!! What the hell woman??! Couldn’t you tell that frickin’ serpent to talk to the hand cuz the blasted face ain’t listening??! Now we’ve got pain with every frickin’ thing we do!

I get to me ‘time’, and I morph into the neediest bitch of a Goddess there is on Planet Earth, and I don’t need another woman to talk to and moan and groan in my ear – just like me… I need a strong, sensitive, caring, Alpha Male of a man … a REAL MAN. Yeah I know that whenever I say this, a lot of my gal pals say that I’m actually describing a gay buddy, but there are MEN out there who are empathetic enough to get that women need a little extra TLC at that time. I’m not saying that they’re growing on trees in every back yard … I know they are rare, but they exist, dammit!!!

I need — no, I WANT a man in my life who’s not afraid to show a little affection … bring me scrumptious, decadent cups of hot chocolate, fluff my pillows, rub my tummy, massage my swollen ankles, hold me when I’m cramping and cranky as hell, and call me from work to check up on me … for at least five days out of month. Is that too much to ask??

I don’t think so!!

I’m a caregiver everyday … well, I want some care given my way too.

To a lot of you, this sounds like a fairy tale, but you know what? I deserve all of those things, wrapped up in a man who can rock my world (IN A GOOD WAY!!!) on many other levels as well … someone who appreciates and adores me when I’m PHAT and Fabulous, when I’m grimy from working, fresh out of the shower or just waking up with no makeup on, and yes, when I’m bitching and moaning during my ‘oh so exciting’ (can you smell the sarcasm??) Moon Time, AND I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS!!!

Naked…

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The state of my heart

The state of my mind

The state of my soul

The state of my body

 

I am here, naked before you

You, my world … the world

Vulnerable for all the world to see

Open to your mockery

To your pointed fingers

To your jeering laughter

As I try in vain to hide my true self

Covering my heart and my head

 

This is the state that you

YOU have left me in

This is where you walked away

As soon as you have seen

What you wanted to

What I had hesitated to show

 

I find, however, that I am not alone

And He has come in and covered me

He has moved my hands away

And spread His love all over me

And I am adorned in rainbows

And clouds, and joy and peace

And love, and light and smiles

 

I am no longer naked

You can leave now … the show is over

Your apologies are hollow

Just like the lies that they are built up on

Go away … you who have used and abused

The inner me, the inner sanctum that

You have vandalized in the name of

“CARE”

Your words were sweet, at first

Now they burn … they burn my ears

I see them and I cringe

I need for you to leave

 

I am clothed, I am free

I am no longer violated

You are no longer welcome

You will never, ever again

See me Naked.

THE HEALTHY BBW…

 

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In the minds of the uninitiated, that phrase makes no sense.  It could also be taken and knocked around as a joke, because of course, us big girls have simply eaten ourselves to out sized sexiness.

 

SO WRONG!!!

 

The things that people don’t  take the time to look at are things like genetics, disease – and as a result, medication, mind-set, stress levels, earning power.

 

Genetics points us to family and our predisposition to gaining and keeping weight on.  There was a time when the statement “I come from a big-boned family” would cause raucous laughter in any room.  The fact is that although people refer to the bones, it is a fact that families share everything, including the genes that make our bodies the way that they are.  It ain’t about the bones, but it is about the body.  If your father is tall and solid and your mother is short nd solid, you my darling, will break even in the middle and be solidly medium heighted.  And when I say solid I mean that a waif you will never be. 

 

There are diseases  and medications that bring on the ponds as well.  If you’re asthmatic, you’re going to gain weight more than likely because the meds are usually locked down with steroids.  If you’re diabetic you can either gain or lose poundage.

 

Someone’s mind-set is also a heavy contributor to the poundage, particularly if it is that they are stressed, personally or professionally.  This point is linked though to eating, because stress does make some of us eat, as does depression, anger and anxiety.

 

Our power to earn a decent wage puts us at risk for extra poundage as well.  The more we earn is the better that we can eat.  The lower our wages, the more difficult it is for us to buy the best, hence we fall victim to the mass produced, the fat saturated, the wonder and max sized meals .. basically the things that are moments on the lips and forever on our hips.

 

So we know what ails us.  Do we even take the time to check on what heals and helps us?  They ae in our hands, and at the end of our legs.  Our hands and feet.  Our hands are the instruments that put the food into our mouths and our feet are the things that get us moving.

 

We need to nourish our bodies … not just feed ourselves.  We need to get moving and not just move ourselves.  I’m not saying that we need to run a marathon every other weekend, but we need to get up off our tushes and shake them down the lane or around a park or savannah.  There are times when we don’t realize that we can be and have been our own worse enemies.  We complain about the aches and the pains when we move, but the irony is that the more we move, the less the pains become.

 

The other thing is that when we eat … really eat … we lose the pounds.  Our metabolisms are unable to become lazy when we eat the way we should..  we have become so used to the seesaw that is the diet life that we starve ourselves, not realizing that our bodies become so worried about us that they ‘lovingly’ store the fat in our bodies, just in case we decide not to eat again.  Again, our own faults.

 

You may be wondering why this rant on myself and my BBW sistahs.  It’s simple really.  A photograph was placed on our group wall the other day of a woman … a beautiful woman … with hips that measure more than 8 feet in circumference, and this is something of which she is proud.  If you look at this woman you can see that from her face to her shoulders to her bustline and waist, she is your average full figured woman.  Then there are the hips.  And then her legs go back to average.

 

There is no way on God’s green earth that you can tell me she’s healthy.  She spoke of the thousands photographs that have been taken of her, and the way that people stare at her when she walks down the road with her husband and family.  She speaks of exercising, but her children have to pull her out of her seat at home, and when she does ‘exercise’ she only moves her arms.  That has NOTHING to do with her girth.

 

It frightened me to look at this woman, and in my fear, I thought of all of us full figured women, many of us who believe that being comfortable with your body means sitting on our asses an doing nothing.  As someone who has battled back from 396 lbs about eight years ago to 228 now (And I ain’t done yet!!), I think I have the right to yell at any and all of us when we sit and stew in complacence.  THAT IS NOT AN OPTION.  Nobody says that you have to wafer thin in order to be sexy … particularly since REAL men know that there ain’t nothin wrong with meat on a REAL woman, and guys, you need to get up off your asses and motivate your woman.  What  am saying is that we need to be the best of ourselves  Love your curves, believe in your curves …  Get to steppin and do the work!

 

Okay … I’ve said a mouthful.

 

Please … I beg of you … let’s get started.  It’s for your own good!

Truly Loving Me…

For centuries we had been taught that the proclamation of love of self was egotistical and taboo. Today however, we find ourselves in a place where we are told that it’s okay to be a little selfish for self, and to shout it from mountain tops.

My take on it? Everything in moderation.

That being said, I really do believe that we cannot love ourselves enough.

One of the things that I have encountered with fellow full figured women is that we put off loving ourselves until we get to ‘that point’ or ‘that size’. The message that needs to be heard is that we must love ourselves in our current skins … love yourself for the beautiful, vital, intelligent, sensual and sexy woman that you are. There is really no need to wait to love you! It’s YOU after all. If we don’t love ourselves, how can we expect others to love us? The only entity that loves us unconditionally is God, and we are supposed to be perfect in His eyes, and we really are not – not by a long shot. So if He loves us the way we are, why then can’t we just follow His lead?

Love yourself enough to get over the hurdles that you face, particularly those that have to do with self image. Every imperfection is precious; every pound worth loving enough to be released (I know that sounds funny but bear with me).

I always recall the words of a particular boyfriend who, bless his heart, was trying to make me feel better about being a big girl, when I was particularly down. He said “You’re not fat … there’s just more of you to love.” At the time I giggled through my tears and kissed him my thanks. I have been grateful through the years for those words.

How many of us really look at ourselves in the mirror? Most of us are experts at looking only at what is and when necessary. We skip over the arms, and bellies, and thighs … it’s too painful to watch for many of us. What we NEED to do is take a good, long look at the goddesses that we are and look at the thighs and bellies and full boobs and appreciate our sized sexiness, because we ARE sexy!

Then and only then can we see where the changes that we sometimes crave can be made. And please, don’t aspire to be skinny; aspire to be HEALTHY.

I am 55lbs away from my goal weight and I know that with hard work, God’s grace and – Lord help me (:D) – Lee, I will get there! And it’s all about being healthy, because I know I will never be skinny … nor do I want to be.

I love my boobs and hips and butt; I just know that the extra weight isn’t ideal for me, however ‘comfortable’ it may seem to be. So basically, I love me enough to get up and get moving on my journey…

Thanks my take,
The Changeling.

Changing Our Internal Soundtrack …

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I recently spoke to a dear one of mine who is presently going through some things. It’s been rough for them, and I know that there are nights that remain sleepless, as well as days of black clouds, hesitance and doubt.

They have attempted to remain optimistic in the face of harrowing body blows. They smile and joke, and it’s a pattern that I have come to recognize from my own experiences with ‘days of thunder’ as I choose to call them.

Our internal soundtracks are the ‘inner voices’ that guide us, be they celestial, emotional, spiritual, ancestral or voices from our past. These are the voices that are with us at our highest and lowest moments.

At our pinnacles, they constantly pat us on the back … remind us of how wonderful we are and can even press on to cause us to become quite selfish, and mindless of the people or circumstances that have gotten us to this particular peak.

In our pits of despair, these same voices can be the ones that jeer and sneer at us, while reminding us of every single failure in our lives … from kindergarten to that time at the office when we fell flat on our faces in the middle of a presentation.

They are the soundtracks of our lives, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather have a nice balanced play list that shows me where I’ve gone wrong and cheers me on while I attempt to repair the problem.

The worst thing is when WE are the voice that we hear … the voice of our own insecurity…

I told my dear one this morning that they needed to remain thankful and that they needed to find something at the end of each day to be thankful and grateful for – be it a parking space or a butterfly that came their way. The response was “I am thankful and I start my prayers off with thanksgiving but … it’s hard…”

The word BUT is a bitch of a word and here’s why … are you aware that EVERYTIME you say BUT you have effectively negated everything that went before it?

Here’s a prime example – I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART BUT I CAN’T STAY WITH YOU…

I love you with all my heart … I can’t stay with you … BUT in the middle. You’ve just told someone that you don’t love them and goodbye.

The ‘supposed’ love that you feel for that person is just a plaster to try to make them feel better as you walk away.

Let’s look at my dear one’s statement … “I am thankful and I start my prayers off with thanksgiving but it’s hard some days…”

I am thankful and I start by prayers off with thanks giving … it’s hard some days … BUT in the middle. Stay with me class … they’ve just said he isn’t thankful and life is hard.

Now before you pick up your soap box and turn it over in an attempt to tell me what a cold hearted bitch I am, lemme just explain what I mean.

Yes I know that there is absolutely NOBODY on this earth who wakes up everyday all peachy keen and in the pink of great humor. Yes I know that we all have our battles to fight. I also know that WE are the ones who allow others to hold us back … we are the ones who allow the seeds of doubt and sometimes ultimate failure to permeate our souls on our good and bad days. The word BUT is a word that inspires doubt … e.g. YES I KNOW HE CAN DO IT BUT LEMME JUST HELP HIM. Again … Yes I know he can do it … Lemme just help him … BUT in the middle. This works out to be ‘I don’t trust him to be able to do this so I’ma stick my foot in it.’

When we start adding BUT to our vocabulary when it concerns ourselves, we are giving life to self-doubt, insecurity, and mistrust of self. How could that be a good thing? If we don’t love, trust, respect and believe in ourselves … who’s gonna do it for us?

So you’ve been told all your life that ‘little black boys and girls will NEVER amount to anything in this world” and you have a setback … do you wallow in the mud and slime and doubt yourself while giving life to what OTHERS have said to you? NO! You change your internal soundtrack and you keep telling yourself “I am going to make it DESPITE what has been said to me and about me!”

You realize that it’s not going to work and you end a relationship or the relationship is ended by your partner. You’ve been told since the age of reason that “people in your family NEVER stay together anyway so why bother … your relationship skills are jinxed.” Are you going to let someone else speak into your life and tell you that you’re never going to find relationship happiness? NO! you change your soundtrack and tell yourself that “I will find with God’s help the one who is made for me. He/She is coming and soon!”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that positivity is so much more effective than her evil twin negativity. Someone pointed out to me the other day that when life gives you lemons you ask for sugar, because the water is free. That sounds like wonderful advice to me.

No I’m not sending you out there to be the voice of constant cheerleading … that would just be annoying. What I am saying dear ones is that life is hard, days can be tough, BUT with the right attitude … we will all get to where we are destined to be!