HIDING IN THE OPEN…

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We wear so many masks

We seek to hide from the ones

Whom we seek to attract

We even seek to hide from ourselves

 

Our discomfort with ourselves

Drives us to don our ‘outside’ faces

While our malaise with our lives

Sees us applying the ones we wear ‘inside’ for ourselves

 

We spew the right words …

We speak of confidence and

Inner strength … talking to each other

About taking our places at the helm

But we cringe at the very thought

 

We brag about bringing home

The bacon, and loving it

But we are scared shitless

At the thought of hanging

To bring it ALL home

 

We lie to each other

We cheat ourselves

We berate ourselves

Behind closed doors

We stride with supposed gusto

In open daylight

While we bawl our eyes out

In our secret places at night

Having forgotten that the

Only masks we need

Are the beautiful faces

And Spirits that we were

Gifted with at birth

 

We have allowed the din and distractions

To silence the voice of the

One we need to listen to the most

While we hide from Him in plain sight

Forgetting that He sees us everywhere

 

Stillness

Silence is your friend

Listen

Concentrate on what’s really there

It won’t hurt

This is all you need…

TRANSPARENCY ISSUES …

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You think you’re so slick

looking down your nose

at those you perceive as

less that human

those unworthy to stand in

your self-appointed glow

 

yet here you stand, and sit,

and trail, as you blatantly

attempt to forge an alliance

with the Devil himself…

hoping that no one sees you,

no one hears you … no one

smells the pheremones and thirst as they

flood out of your achingly desperate body

the smell of which sticks in all of our throats,

so nauseous are we from its cloying sweetness.

 

We see you, we hear you,

we smell you and

we know what you are doing

we watch, amused, as the Devil

puts you through your paces –

testing you, teasing you,

playing with you the way that string torments a kitten

 

We watch you grope and grab

and beg for the crumbs that he sweeps off of his table

snapping at the heels of anyone

who may momentarily catch and hold his attention

so desperate are you to walk through his Halls

 

Do you think he doesn’t know?

Do you believe that he’s not amused?

Do you see yourself positioned as his bottom bitch?

 

We are so sorry for you …

for your air of superior intellect

and your actual vapid mindspace

we would tell how foolish you are being

but we won’t because … well …

we are, after all, UNWORTHY!

So we stand together like

spectators at a hanging

as your vacuous shell is filled up with

half empty statements, broken promises

and hope that springs

like a weed in the desert.

 

We watch as your transparency issues

come into full blossom

and stand silently as they

eventually grow till nothing is left but

your eventual death as your issues

do to you what

your ineptitude has done to us.

 

Rest in pieces…

Bitch!

Naked…

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The state of my heart

The state of my mind

The state of my soul

The state of my body

 

I am here, naked before you

You, my world … the world

Vulnerable for all the world to see

Open to your mockery

To your pointed fingers

To your jeering laughter

As I try in vain to hide my true self

Covering my heart and my head

 

This is the state that you

YOU have left me in

This is where you walked away

As soon as you have seen

What you wanted to

What I had hesitated to show

 

I find, however, that I am not alone

And He has come in and covered me

He has moved my hands away

And spread His love all over me

And I am adorned in rainbows

And clouds, and joy and peace

And love, and light and smiles

 

I am no longer naked

You can leave now … the show is over

Your apologies are hollow

Just like the lies that they are built up on

Go away … you who have used and abused

The inner me, the inner sanctum that

You have vandalized in the name of

“CARE”

Your words were sweet, at first

Now they burn … they burn my ears

I see them and I cringe

I need for you to leave

 

I am clothed, I am free

I am no longer violated

You are no longer welcome

You will never, ever again

See me Naked.

STASIS

 

 

 

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That place where souls sit and wait

For the last few miles to fade before

Their dreams come true

 

That corner of the desert where mirages appear

Taking your focus away from the goal at hand

Mirages that offer sinfully, delightful promises

Promises that you know are impossible to keep

But promises that reach your soul none the less

 

The people who suck the energy out of your dreams

And the bed where you lay the now empty shells

In the hopeless hope that they would spring to life

Again

 

That place in the mind where you have put yourself

Through your constant inaction

From your ever present lethargy

Caused by your doubt

Fed by your indifference

Borne of your fear

Fear of all that is

 

Imperative…

 

The need for change which happens through

Movement

Caused by faith

Pushed by knowledge

That the only constant is

The same change

And change of all —

Mind-set, atmosphere, surroundings, ALL THINGS

All of the things that have

Kept you were you are

 

Swimming in the stagnant ooze

Of a swamp called

Stasis

WANTED & NEEDED: INTERVENTION

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Today is one of those days when the only thing that comes to mind is the overwhelming need to SCREAM…

It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these … but it feels the way it always does … heavy, annoying, attention-grabbing, yucky.

It’s one of those days when everyone that I speak to tells me that I need to let go of the past. It’s one of those times when people are surprisingly intuitive where I’m concerned and are really concerned that I get out of the funk.

That happens because people can’t properly deal with me in this mood. They expect ‘Happy Deemay’, ‘Bubbly Deemay’, ‘Always willing to help Deemay’. It’s off putting when the person who normally picks up the pieces needs to have her pieces picked up. OH MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO??! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THE HEALER NEEDS HEALING???!

Yes, she does. She needs to be held and comforted and talked to and soothed. She needs to hear that someone is there for her, and not just to offer her lip service and platitudes. She needs genuine concern and feeling. Basically … she needs love … agape … filial. She needs her troupes to gather themselves together and be available for her. She needs for them to know this intrinsically and not have to be told.

Where’s the Ben & Jerry’s What-A-Cluster or the bottle of Manischewitz Blackberry that would soothe her savaged soul and ravaged feathers? Where is the phone call that lets her know that someone out there … anywhere is in tune with what ails her, even though she’s still tryng to figure out precisely which one of her situations has brought on the feeling of fucked up blue funk that she is currently waddling through…

Dear Lord, make this crap go away! Whatever the ties that need to be cut, let them be cut. Whatever the fear that lingers then let it leave …. Just free me from this feeling of free-falling into the Land of Melancholia. I can’t live there … I WON’T live there … somebody please, PLEASE come get me…

My hands are reaching skyward, and I’m waiting…

Hurry.

16 DIFFERENT WAYS TO SUNDAY…

So here it is, I’m at the start again, and trying to make sense of this crazy lil thing hat shall remain nameless.

I know that people believe that they are being helpful. I know that they think that wisdom is the thing that I crave. What they don’t get is that the thing I need most is CONSISTENCY… and I need it in all things, particularly in things concerning MY HEART.

I’m constantly being told to turn myself around – as in reinvent myself. Everyone knows PRECISELY what’s right for me, and it’s all conflicting.

Be forthcoming … be mysterious; tell him what’s on your mind … don’t say anything; be shy … be bold…

WTF??! There’s only one of me; yet everyone is trying to break me into tiny little pieces. Am I really that naïve? Is it that the life I’ve led in the past forty-odd years has really left me so cloistered and unprepared for the world?

I don’t think that I’m seeking the impossible, and I don’t believe that I’m being unreasonable. I require very little to keep me happy … I want respect, trust, love, affection, honesty … consistency. I could demand these things, but I don’t. I TRUST that the man who wants to be with me will willingly give these things and give them abundantly.

It is still amazing for me to have to realize that as a WOMAN, I’m the one who has to bend myself 16 different ways to Sunday to please the male of the species. Question is, who is bending himself into knots and twists just to keep me happy? And is he going to do so willingly and be patient while I figure out what it is I really need?

Should you be strolling through town and you find one or more of these gems, would you kindly send him way? The fact is that I have found one of them … he just doesn’t know how wonderful he Is as yet … but he will! (Wink, wink)

BE FREE … FREE ENOUGH TO ACCEPT YOUR HAPPINESS.

It’s the strangest thing but I’ve just discovered – well not really JUST – but discovered nonetheless that we are sometimes so chained to the idea of being melancholy that we can actually fear our awaiting happiness.

There really isn’t anything new under the sun, and I know that someone else has already had the particular AHA! Moment, yet it is quite amazing to me that so many of us live in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to fall.

A prime example is my relationship record. I don’t love easily, but when I do love I love hard. As a result I have sat idly by and watched myself get taken advantage of, all in the name of L-O-V-E. There have been a couple of instances when I have overextended myself and taken the stories given to me to heart in order for me to give and give and give of my best, while I received crumbs in return. Nevertheless I pressed forward, sure and assured that the love was there and it would grow.

As we say in local parlance – SALT! That is what I was presented with in the end … salt. Recently, I took myself out of a particular equation and finally admitted that I was constantly being sucker punched. Therefore the decision was finally and clearly made that I needed to save ME. The one who was constantly showered with my affection, effort, understanding, absolution … this same one who gave nothing but fragments in return, has been set free to sit in his proverbial pile of filth … toxic baby mama and all … thereby freeing me to explore the other options that were being presented to me.

This is where it gets interesting. Not only was I being shown another way to be with and around a grown man who behaves like one and was and is showing me the interest and affection that one should expect, here I was … waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find myself looking for and hoping to find phantoms that would give justification to the way that I felt. There had to be something wrong hidden somewhere and I was going to find it dammit!

The sad thing is that I spent so much time looking for what wasn’t there that I almost missed the boat completely. That’s when it dawned that I needed to free myself from all of the paraphernalia of the past and allow myself to be free enough to accept my happiness and everything that goes with it.

It sounds like an insurmountable task … it also sound like some sort of twisted chicken soup for the soul, but it isn’t. The key to this freedom is knowing that as a child of the Most High, happiness is a given. Worry is a learnt habit. We’re not born to worry, but we gain the knowledge from those around us. Worry is particularly fascinating for the female of the species, but I digress.

Give yourself permission to laugh and smile and enjoy things genuinely.

The good things are all pre-ordained. The nasty little surprises along the way are the things that we manifest via worry, doubt and distrust.

Bless UP!