HIDING IN THE OPEN…

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We wear so many masks

We seek to hide from the ones

Whom we seek to attract

We even seek to hide from ourselves

 

Our discomfort with ourselves

Drives us to don our ‘outside’ faces

While our malaise with our lives

Sees us applying the ones we wear ‘inside’ for ourselves

 

We spew the right words …

We speak of confidence and

Inner strength … talking to each other

About taking our places at the helm

But we cringe at the very thought

 

We brag about bringing home

The bacon, and loving it

But we are scared shitless

At the thought of hanging

To bring it ALL home

 

We lie to each other

We cheat ourselves

We berate ourselves

Behind closed doors

We stride with supposed gusto

In open daylight

While we bawl our eyes out

In our secret places at night

Having forgotten that the

Only masks we need

Are the beautiful faces

And Spirits that we were

Gifted with at birth

 

We have allowed the din and distractions

To silence the voice of the

One we need to listen to the most

While we hide from Him in plain sight

Forgetting that He sees us everywhere

 

Stillness

Silence is your friend

Listen

Concentrate on what’s really there

It won’t hurt

This is all you need…

TRANSPARENCY ISSUES …

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You think you’re so slick

looking down your nose

at those you perceive as

less that human

those unworthy to stand in

your self-appointed glow

 

yet here you stand, and sit,

and trail, as you blatantly

attempt to forge an alliance

with the Devil himself…

hoping that no one sees you,

no one hears you … no one

smells the pheremones and thirst as they

flood out of your achingly desperate body

the smell of which sticks in all of our throats,

so nauseous are we from its cloying sweetness.

 

We see you, we hear you,

we smell you and

we know what you are doing

we watch, amused, as the Devil

puts you through your paces –

testing you, teasing you,

playing with you the way that string torments a kitten

 

We watch you grope and grab

and beg for the crumbs that he sweeps off of his table

snapping at the heels of anyone

who may momentarily catch and hold his attention

so desperate are you to walk through his Halls

 

Do you think he doesn’t know?

Do you believe that he’s not amused?

Do you see yourself positioned as his bottom bitch?

 

We are so sorry for you …

for your air of superior intellect

and your actual vapid mindspace

we would tell how foolish you are being

but we won’t because … well …

we are, after all, UNWORTHY!

So we stand together like

spectators at a hanging

as your vacuous shell is filled up with

half empty statements, broken promises

and hope that springs

like a weed in the desert.

 

We watch as your transparency issues

come into full blossom

and stand silently as they

eventually grow till nothing is left but

your eventual death as your issues

do to you what

your ineptitude has done to us.

 

Rest in pieces…

Bitch!

Naked…

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The state of my heart

The state of my mind

The state of my soul

The state of my body

 

I am here, naked before you

You, my world … the world

Vulnerable for all the world to see

Open to your mockery

To your pointed fingers

To your jeering laughter

As I try in vain to hide my true self

Covering my heart and my head

 

This is the state that you

YOU have left me in

This is where you walked away

As soon as you have seen

What you wanted to

What I had hesitated to show

 

I find, however, that I am not alone

And He has come in and covered me

He has moved my hands away

And spread His love all over me

And I am adorned in rainbows

And clouds, and joy and peace

And love, and light and smiles

 

I am no longer naked

You can leave now … the show is over

Your apologies are hollow

Just like the lies that they are built up on

Go away … you who have used and abused

The inner me, the inner sanctum that

You have vandalized in the name of

“CARE”

Your words were sweet, at first

Now they burn … they burn my ears

I see them and I cringe

I need for you to leave

 

I am clothed, I am free

I am no longer violated

You are no longer welcome

You will never, ever again

See me Naked.

STASIS

 

 

 

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That place where souls sit and wait

For the last few miles to fade before

Their dreams come true

 

That corner of the desert where mirages appear

Taking your focus away from the goal at hand

Mirages that offer sinfully, delightful promises

Promises that you know are impossible to keep

But promises that reach your soul none the less

 

The people who suck the energy out of your dreams

And the bed where you lay the now empty shells

In the hopeless hope that they would spring to life

Again

 

That place in the mind where you have put yourself

Through your constant inaction

From your ever present lethargy

Caused by your doubt

Fed by your indifference

Borne of your fear

Fear of all that is

 

Imperative…

 

The need for change which happens through

Movement

Caused by faith

Pushed by knowledge

That the only constant is

The same change

And change of all —

Mind-set, atmosphere, surroundings, ALL THINGS

All of the things that have

Kept you were you are

 

Swimming in the stagnant ooze

Of a swamp called

Stasis

WANTED & NEEDED: INTERVENTION

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Today is one of those days when the only thing that comes to mind is the overwhelming need to SCREAM…

It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these … but it feels the way it always does … heavy, annoying, attention-grabbing, yucky.

It’s one of those days when everyone that I speak to tells me that I need to let go of the past. It’s one of those times when people are surprisingly intuitive where I’m concerned and are really concerned that I get out of the funk.

That happens because people can’t properly deal with me in this mood. They expect ‘Happy Deemay’, ‘Bubbly Deemay’, ‘Always willing to help Deemay’. It’s off putting when the person who normally picks up the pieces needs to have her pieces picked up. OH MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO??! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THE HEALER NEEDS HEALING???!

Yes, she does. She needs to be held and comforted and talked to and soothed. She needs to hear that someone is there for her, and not just to offer her lip service and platitudes. She needs genuine concern and feeling. Basically … she needs love … agape … filial. She needs her troupes to gather themselves together and be available for her. She needs for them to know this intrinsically and not have to be told.

Where’s the Ben & Jerry’s What-A-Cluster or the bottle of Manischewitz Blackberry that would soothe her savaged soul and ravaged feathers? Where is the phone call that lets her know that someone out there … anywhere is in tune with what ails her, even though she’s still tryng to figure out precisely which one of her situations has brought on the feeling of fucked up blue funk that she is currently waddling through…

Dear Lord, make this crap go away! Whatever the ties that need to be cut, let them be cut. Whatever the fear that lingers then let it leave …. Just free me from this feeling of free-falling into the Land of Melancholia. I can’t live there … I WON’T live there … somebody please, PLEASE come get me…

My hands are reaching skyward, and I’m waiting…

Hurry.

16 DIFFERENT WAYS TO SUNDAY…

So here it is, I’m at the start again, and trying to make sense of this crazy lil thing hat shall remain nameless.

I know that people believe that they are being helpful. I know that they think that wisdom is the thing that I crave. What they don’t get is that the thing I need most is CONSISTENCY… and I need it in all things, particularly in things concerning MY HEART.

I’m constantly being told to turn myself around – as in reinvent myself. Everyone knows PRECISELY what’s right for me, and it’s all conflicting.

Be forthcoming … be mysterious; tell him what’s on your mind … don’t say anything; be shy … be bold…

WTF??! There’s only one of me; yet everyone is trying to break me into tiny little pieces. Am I really that naïve? Is it that the life I’ve led in the past forty-odd years has really left me so cloistered and unprepared for the world?

I don’t think that I’m seeking the impossible, and I don’t believe that I’m being unreasonable. I require very little to keep me happy … I want respect, trust, love, affection, honesty … consistency. I could demand these things, but I don’t. I TRUST that the man who wants to be with me will willingly give these things and give them abundantly.

It is still amazing for me to have to realize that as a WOMAN, I’m the one who has to bend myself 16 different ways to Sunday to please the male of the species. Question is, who is bending himself into knots and twists just to keep me happy? And is he going to do so willingly and be patient while I figure out what it is I really need?

Should you be strolling through town and you find one or more of these gems, would you kindly send him way? The fact is that I have found one of them … he just doesn’t know how wonderful he Is as yet … but he will! (Wink, wink)

BE FREE … FREE ENOUGH TO ACCEPT YOUR HAPPINESS.

It’s the strangest thing but I’ve just discovered – well not really JUST – but discovered nonetheless that we are sometimes so chained to the idea of being melancholy that we can actually fear our awaiting happiness.

There really isn’t anything new under the sun, and I know that someone else has already had the particular AHA! Moment, yet it is quite amazing to me that so many of us live in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to fall.

A prime example is my relationship record. I don’t love easily, but when I do love I love hard. As a result I have sat idly by and watched myself get taken advantage of, all in the name of L-O-V-E. There have been a couple of instances when I have overextended myself and taken the stories given to me to heart in order for me to give and give and give of my best, while I received crumbs in return. Nevertheless I pressed forward, sure and assured that the love was there and it would grow.

As we say in local parlance – SALT! That is what I was presented with in the end … salt. Recently, I took myself out of a particular equation and finally admitted that I was constantly being sucker punched. Therefore the decision was finally and clearly made that I needed to save ME. The one who was constantly showered with my affection, effort, understanding, absolution … this same one who gave nothing but fragments in return, has been set free to sit in his proverbial pile of filth … toxic baby mama and all … thereby freeing me to explore the other options that were being presented to me.

This is where it gets interesting. Not only was I being shown another way to be with and around a grown man who behaves like one and was and is showing me the interest and affection that one should expect, here I was … waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find myself looking for and hoping to find phantoms that would give justification to the way that I felt. There had to be something wrong hidden somewhere and I was going to find it dammit!

The sad thing is that I spent so much time looking for what wasn’t there that I almost missed the boat completely. That’s when it dawned that I needed to free myself from all of the paraphernalia of the past and allow myself to be free enough to accept my happiness and everything that goes with it.

It sounds like an insurmountable task … it also sound like some sort of twisted chicken soup for the soul, but it isn’t. The key to this freedom is knowing that as a child of the Most High, happiness is a given. Worry is a learnt habit. We’re not born to worry, but we gain the knowledge from those around us. Worry is particularly fascinating for the female of the species, but I digress.

Give yourself permission to laugh and smile and enjoy things genuinely.

The good things are all pre-ordained. The nasty little surprises along the way are the things that we manifest via worry, doubt and distrust.

Bless UP!

Goodbye to You, My Trusted Friend…

John Bevan Foard … if you said that name to anyone in Maryland, they would look at you cross-eyed.

Punkey Foard … now THAT would get you one of two things – a grimace or a smile.

Punkey was known from one end of the state to the next. He was also famous in the farming communities in Pennsylvania … all over DC and the rest of the East Coast. They knew and respected him in Europe as well as South America, where he would go to shop for Valley View Farms. Then there’s the Trinidad and Tobago connection, as well as St Lucia, Belize and various other parts of the West Indies.

Those of us who knew of his passing on Sunday evening said goodbye to Punk’ this morning in just the way he wanted – simply, quietly, without fuss and fanfare.

We sat quietly in the Chapel at the Crematorium and reminisced about the man we all knew and loved.

I’ve always looked on Punkey as another father, so that finding out yesterday that he was gone hit me hard – perhaps harder that I was prepared to deal with. It honestly felt like I had lost my father all over again … so fierce was the pain in my chest.

I looked at the faces sitting in that little chapel. Most of us wore the same shocked and disbelieving expression. I listen as Kathy told us what were his instructions regarding his ashes and I realized that Punkey was really a romantic soul. That’s not really a surprise … I believe he honestly loved everyone that he met.

Yes there were times when he knowingly or inadvertently rubbed those same people the wrong way, but deep down he had everyone’s best interest at heart.

Today I said goodbye to my friend, my second father, my benefactor and someone who made it possible for me to laugh heartily and laugh often, even on days when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die.

Thank you Punkey for the privilege of being a preteen at many a lavish table at the Hilton, the Normandie, Chaconia and Holiday Inns. Thanks for New Year’s Eve parties at La Boucan or at home … for Sunday evening roof top dinners at fine restaurants. Thanks for the gift of knowledge given and the opportunities to explore beyond my comfort zone … for chances to witness new and different cultures and sights in my youth – both at home and abroad.

You got me into mischief, into trouble and always managed to get me out of it… Thanks for supplying me with a ton of ‘big brothers’ and additional cousins.

You threatened to ‘cuss down’ my ex-boss when you thought she had no respect for my ‘personal off time’ – proof yet again that you really were my persona protector.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is … Thank You Punkey, for making me a priority in your life when you really weren’t obligated to.

I love you, I miss you, I’m blessed to have known you…

Go with the angels and Rest in Peace.

HOW TO ROMANCE A PISCES…

I received this message in the mail … take a look … I think it’s pretty accurate (smile)

The following is a brief overview of how someone with their Sun, Moon, or rising sign in the sign of Pisces may behave in romantic relationships.

Pisces live for love, but they don’t just want any old relationship … they want to lose themselves by fully merging with a soul mate. The words “love bug” and “cuddle bunny” come to mind when thinking of a Pisces in love.

Both women and men of this sign crave relationships, and are happiest with someone to connect with deeply. Ironically, those of this natural 12th sign (the sign and house of isolation and retreat) don’t do so well alone… though they can be very shy and sensitive, causing them to hibernate.

I call them the “best-kept secret in town…”

Unless afflicted, they’re generous, soulful, romantic people who make supportive, giving partners. They so long for union and deep connection that they have to be careful of “settling” and not holding out for that soul mate. Their attachments can be fickle and fleeting, causing them to “love the one they’re with.”
You see, this is a water sign and a mutable one to boot – meaning, they tend to change with the scenery, and so can their emotions. One moment they’re weeping at a TV commercial about kittens, the next they’re laughing at something funny in an email, and the next they’re sharing deep wisdom about a spiritual truth.
So you never can be sure who’s going to answer the door when visiting these “fragile flowers.” Pisces is symbolized by two fishes swimming in opposite directions – there are many interpretations of what this means; but the symbol of water almost always means the emotions, and swimming in two directions is indicative of the sometimes confused, indecisive way they move through life.
So many things can seem interesting, and draw their focus. This is considered the most thin-skinned, impressionable sign of the zodiac, so it’s critical that they surround themselves with those who honor their tender feelings and are healthy.
They have to be very careful who they give their heart to, because over time they’ll morph into a version of that person – taking on their beliefs, mannerisms, style, and values.
You know those people who grow to look like their pets? They’re probably Pisces.
In love, they follow their heart over their head, and have to be extremely careful of picking lovers who aren’t good for them.
This is the sign most likely to say the dreaded words “but I LOVE him,” when treated
badly. OVER-GIVING, over-accommodating, putting the needs of the other person FIRST, and avoiding confrontations at all costs are the greatest challenge of these watery beings in all of their relationships.
They have yet to learn that the word “no” is a complete sentence – and an actual word!
This is the natural sign of volunteering and self-sacrifice, so they make the best counselors, teachers, and consultants; but they should avoid picking partners who
need HELP, and do all that counseling, teaching, and consulting ON THE CLOCK and FOR PAY – not in their private lives…
One of their other romantic strengths and challenges is that Pisces is ruled by Jupiter – the most wise and optimistic planet in the solar system. So, their Jupiterian nature LOVES to uplift and inspire others, and always believes in the best of people, only seeing their good qualities, and giving them too much benefit of the doubt. Let’s just say they could use a few more “street smarts” and a little less empathy.
Jesus’ advice to “turn the other cheek” and forgive endlessly is a VERY Piscean ideal … beautiful but potentially dangerous in one-on-one relationships.
Speaking of Jesus, Pisces LOVE having a spiritual life, able to easily meditate and take to other spiritual practices such as yoga and chanting.
They’re often found in places of spiritual retreat such as yoga classes, ashrams, and
monasteries.
(This is the sign of mystics…)
And they LOVE the arts – especially the emotional arts like music, drama, and poetry. They’re creative, alluring dreamers and need a partner who appreciates what they have to contribute.
Because of their deep, soulful emotional sensitivity, they have great spiritual gifts and
incredible intuition. Pay attention to their “take” on things, and their advice – their gut instincts are always right on, even though they aren’t skilled at following them themselves…
Their intensity of feelings can lead them to self-medicate and do things to NUMB OUT – such as over-eating, over-spending, or drinking and drugs…
Let’s just say boundaries, structure, and doing “grown up” things like paying the bills on time and keeping their affairs organized aren’t their strength.
“Going with the flow” and soaring to high creative, mystical heights are. They long to please, and don’t mind letting a lover lead – especially in the bedroom. (Wink, wink…)
If in love with a Pisces, be sure to be a patient listener – they NEED to share their
innermost thoughts and feelings and thrive on lots of attention…
They feel soothed by animals and nature, and especially enjoy being around water. When stressed, they need to withdraw from the world. The best way to comfort a Pisces is through something soft and loving – they long to be touched, massaged, bathed, and petted. They DO NOT respond well to “tough love” or constructive feedback, and take any criticism way too hard.
Though they’re MORE than willing to admit their faults – and take the blame for things that are not their responsibility. When upset, they’ll withdraw and pout, being a “silent screamer” over any other kind.
A Pisces will almost never speak in anger or be cruel unless something else is going on in their stars. In fact, it takes A LOT to make them angry – they’ll give and give and give and give and give and give, all the while saying, “I’m fine…”
But they do have a limit, and when they hit it – WATCH OUT. Silent screaming begins… And it’s deafening!
On dates they’ll love Hallmark Card moments – walks hand-in-hand by the ocean, the sharing of innermost feelings, reading by the fire, watching the sunset, and gazing deeply into their lover’s eyes. They’ll prefer quiet nights for two to exciting
social events with groups.
Though natural homebodies, they love to travel, especially to distant far-flung places or islands.
To win one over, do something heroic and generous like rescue a lost dog, or feed the
hungry … read up on the lives of saints and the teachings of the world’s religions. Memorize lines of Rumi and Shakespeare, and have lots of candles, bubble bath, and mood music on hand.
If you’re willing to be the more “in the world,” organized person of the two of you and
remain un-phased by their moods, this can be a lover and partner to be so grateful for.
There’s nothing they won’t do for the one they love. So life with a Pisces will be a dreamy, romantic adventure, full of snuggles, support, art, and passion.
You may not know that there are actually THREE signs within the sign of Pisces, each with even more distinct, specific personality “quirks” and emotional needs.
You see, the very first system of astrology, Vedic astrology of India, looks to twenty-seven smaller constellations called “nakshatras” that were later incorporated into the twelve Greek signs. It’s these twenty-seven signs that tell you what you REALLY need to know – who you are, what matters most to you, and who you best get along
with.
Knowing what constellation a man is born into is THE way to know what he really needs and wants when it comes to love – and if you’re compatible with him or not.
May God and his planets and stars shower you with love!
Carol Allen
Yep! That’s us alright!

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH

I am a Literature buff from a ways back. I’ve always loved the written word, and have since developed quite the love for the spoken word as well. Words are soothing to me…

One of the books that I studied at examination level in ‘High School’ was Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, and one of the lines that has been stuck in my head since then is “Beware the Ides of March!”

I remember having been particularly offended the first time I heard that line because of my understandable affinity for the month of March. It is after all the month of my birth … and while my birthday is nowhere near the 15th, I happen to be offended by any reference to ill-will that may occur in the beautiful month of March.

Ah, the innocence of youth. How I long for the days when bad news, disappointment and – well – disgust came as such a shock to your system that it could actually shut you down. Now the jadedness of perceived ‘seniority’ may make you ill at such occurrences but they generally roll off of one’s back like so much water.

I must confess that my own encounter with the Ides of March could not have been prepared for … but then again it could have been. I suppose that I am just overly sensitive right now … who knows. Prepared or not, it’s always a devastation when the people that one has held closest to one’s chest turns out to be the ones that literally stab us in the back.

There aren’t many people that have had the privilege to be let into my inner sanctum, but it looks like I’m going to have to pull a couple ‘membership cards’ from some of the people in there. What good is it when one attempts to build up resources and those same resources have no problem spitting you out on Idus Martiae (Latin, Ides of March). Others have said to me that I need to ‘let it go’, that that is the way that they would handle it. I do so solemnly wish that I could just dust off and press on. It is a little difficult when the individual involved has cut so close to the bone. My mother has this saying that she uses from time to time that says that it is always worse when you’re bitten by your own flea. Well that is precisely the way that I feel right now. Oh I know that I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it, and believe me I will. Right now on the other hand, I need to take this time to reconstruct my ‘fortress’, as there seems to be some bricks that may need to be chipped away.

And like Caesar, I was warned … I had my own seer, but like Caesar, I ignored the warning. Now, again like Caesar, I am forced to turn and look at that brick and ask “Et tu Brute?!”

I find it all so unfortunate, ironic and just garden-variety wretched that in this world, it could be so hard to find like minded spirits to share ones inner self with …

What happened to honor … what happened to actual friendship, and support? Is it that most people have now come to the point of being friends through convenience, and as soon as they have achieved their own Zen and Xanadu, they then disavow the others who have to this point been there for them? Should that be the case then yet again I am forced to hold tight to what little faith I have left in our Humanity.

The good news is that I am approaching the end of my own tunnel, but theirs is still waiting in the wings … and in true Pisces form I will probably be there yelling that they beware there own Ides of March.

That’s the way that I’m made up … it is a part of me that I love – my ability to love others no matter what … and it is another object lesson to me along the way, and I have learnt from it to I am thankful, and I will be more thankful as soon as I reach around and pull the dagger out that had been so firmly SLAMMED into my spine!!!

“Joy Cometh in the Morning”, and I will be the better for it.