THE AWKWARD PAUSE…

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It’s that point when you get to the fork in the road.  It’s the fork in the road where you decide that you’re going ahead with the person or you’re moving on alone.  It’s that moment when you look at that person and see the LIES shining suspiciously in their eyes.  It’s the realization that the lies are just too much to live with anymore…

 It’s the momentary need to walk from life and die a private death.  It’s the mocking laughter of death as he jeers at you, making certain that you know that this ain’t your time … that you have to get up in the morning and face the music.  It’s the music that starts off as a dirge, morphs into the annoying tribal beat of a heart beat that shifts into the angry drone of techno.

 It’s the anger – first with the lying piece of excrement and then with self, as you realize that you felt it all along and chose to believe their pitch-reel of lies, half-truths and innuendo.  It’s the story that remains lodged in your psyche and repeats … like so much bad curry on an inflamed stomach, causing the incessant presence of emotional heart burn.  It’s the bitterness of bile rising to the surface and flowing on to your yet rising anger, hurt, betrayal, need to kill, to maim, to injure, to make suffering as palpable as your own, and so you …

                                                       PAUSE! Mid Sentence … Mid Rant … Mid Feeling … Mid Crisis.

  JUST … PAUSE … THEN CHOOSE … TO FREE SELF … TO SAVE SELF … TO RELEASE … TO LIVE!

It’s the realization that a Truer, Happier Life is the BEST REVENGE – a revenge that can only be savoured when you …

 PAUSE!!!

Reasoning…

Give me one good reason
Why I shouldn’t let you
Have your way …
Just leave you to celebrate
And fete your self pity
Tell me why I should
Bother to care enough
To want you to snap
The hell out of this
Foul funk
The stench of which
Is evident for miles around…
Has it occurred to you
In the midst of your wallow
That you are hurting me
When you hurt yourself?
Explain it to me…
Make me understand…
Help me make sense of
Your need to hurt yourself
Your yen for constantly wandering
Back to the people, places and things
That you intrinsically know
Will bring you pain…
Why do you believe yourself
To be so unworthy of the
Beauty that awaits you?
You are worthy –
You deserve the good
In this world, just as I do
You deserve me
As I deserve you
We deserve the love
The trust, the commitment
The happiness…
The Life that sits and
Waits in Limbo while you
Decide in a vacuum about
Your worthiness
Do you honesty believe
That I would waste
All that I was born to give
On a man unworthy
Of my treasure?
If it be so in your mind
You must not think much of yourself
And even less about me
And that right there is a shame!
Climb out of the hole
That you’ve dug yourself
And rejoin the rest of the living
Give yourself the chance
To love and to be loved in
The way that you deserve
The way that only I can love you
In just the same way that
I was destined to love you
Fighting has its place
And when done right it’s a wonder!
So darling if fight you must
Then fight — but just
Remember to fight with all
You have in you
For us and not against us…

Bless Me Father … No Seriously – BLESS ME!!!

Bless Me Father … No Seriously – BLESS ME!

I know that this is the most solemn of weeks in the Catholic Calendar and being a card carrying Catholic all my life, I really should be better behaved. However, there are some things that occur and at times that are so inappropriate, that one cannot help but share the levity of the situations.

Maybe levity is not the word. Maybe the perfect word is FRUSTRATION.

I’m actually addressing here the need of some individuals to ‘suck up’ to the Parish Priest. And no … my little home away from home is not special in this regard … get a group of parishioners from any and all parishes together and you will be entertained for hours by stories of people who believe that when they ‘curry’ Father’s favor, that they are on a direct flight to heaven – no stops!

We have a few such individuals at my church but we have since gained a new reigning queen of the brown nose. While I have no actual problem with anybody’s attempts at brown-nosing, I do have a huge problem when they attempt to destroy others in their attempts.

You do you … that’s my philosophy … and if that means that you get your jollies by being up under the priest’s chasuble, then so be it … but leave my name outta your mouth.

This woman – let’s call her Queen Bee – is raining frustration and divisiveness among the members of a parish that is already fraught with people who question the goings on within. We don’t need to have Queen B add to our miseries. The need to create issues, situations and tensions is an epic fail in my book.

The need to constantly be ‘rinsin’ out de pries’ ears’ as so colorfully put by one of my compatriots screams of insecurity. It tells of a woman who finds it impossible to properly function without the destruction of another… and sometimes it’s OTHERS … not just one person that is being trashed down the chute.

Sabotage on a ship is called mutiny … in the government it’s called treason … what do we call it when it happens in the Hallowed Halls of the Church? I can’t think of a word because frankly, I never thought that there was a reason to have one or know it.

Is it that every church based ministry has to have its own Judas or Judas-Ann (hey, she may not have existed back then but I’m sure you know a few of them now!) in order to make the rest of us stronger?

Here’s the thing … it only works if the perpetrator goes out and hangs themselves. I know that it’s a heartless statement and I agree with anyone who says such. The trouble is that when you function as a unit with others who see to use their ministry to build family in church and within ACTUAL families, it is a pain in the ass literally and figuratively to have people like Queen Bee sit and lay in wait to report to the priest and this results in most cases in innuendo, half truths, and sly remarks from all sides.

I must have come up in a different time, but I remember ministry as being something that gave personal satisfaction and it also went a long way to make the ones who served feel like they were contributing to the betterment of the entire congregation. I’m not used to back-biting and back-stabbing ways. This is culture shock to me, but then again not really.

I had my own run-in with individuals who saw to it that, having taken a stand on a particular issue, I was removed from the helm of a particular music ministry. The shock sent me walking – no running – away from my faith. I have since seen the error in my judgment and have come back home. At the time I saw it as a fluke that was allowed to happen. I guess not. Be that as it may, I am stronger for what I have been through and I will not be moved… this is MY parish just like anyone else’s and it is my duty to make damned sure that things are as they should be at all times!

We all want to be blessed not just by our Pastoral Leader, but by each other … and there are times when I firmly believe that blessings from each other are more important than blessings from our earthly shepherd. How can Queen Bee really be feeling when very few of her compatriots are willing to bless her? How can she be feeling when she is at times greeted with silences when she walks into a meeting space, for fear that she may overhear something and others fear being misquoted. How can she feel knowing that she is picked for committees and positions of ‘authority’ simply to not ruffle her feathers or maybe in an attempt to impress the Shepherd?

Maybe we should feel sorry for her…

Uhmmmm … NOT!!!