My Journey There and Back …

to hell and back

I’ve been there
Down in that murky
Grimy pit called Despair.
I’ve seen all there is
To see of that
Particular brew of
Primordial ooze
And I have struggled
To pull myself out of it.
It wasn’t easy
The miserable lethargy
The cloying nearness of sorrow
Wraps itself around
Your psyche like a warm
Inviting snuggly blanket
It held fast to every pore
It clung to the damp tendrils of my hair …
It saturated my tears
The pungent aroma of misery and sorrow
Wafts through every room
In this special corner of Hell
The god-awful yet inviting stench
That pulled me further and further in
Until I salivated for want of taste
And I ate and ate and ate
Licking dry each saucepan and skillet
Used to prepare my own six-course meal
And there I sat
Repulsed yet fascinated
That I had become
My own Sin Eater …
Magnetized by the ‘pretty’ fare
Laid out around the darkness
Of my soul
Needing to take the pain away, yet knowing better
But unable to stop feasting
Yet again at this personal banquet of
Misery, of sorrow of subjugation
And desperation.
I’ve been there
In that repellent kitchen
Where the chefs are
Mirror images of self
Where guests believe themselves
To be in the shadow realm
Yet was I sickeningly comfortable
The kind of comfort that
Is uncomfortable in its ability to
Strangely soothe
The bell tolled then
And I painfully and slowly rose
To my feet – forcing myself away
From the table
Realizing only then that
I was sated but unable to stop myself
Though stop I needed to
And so … I did
But, yes, I’ve been there
I’ve cooked in hell’s kitchen
And I know the darkness of that pit
I know the stench
Of self imposed misery and melancholy
And this is not a comprehension of which
I am proud
I have abashedly licked the pots clean
While I have navigated the quagmire
Of my feelings, and beliefs…
Look at my skin, look at my soul and
See my battle scars …
Yes
I’ve been there
But now … I’ve returned
And I am stronger for the journey…

Wishing …

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Sitting still offers up the opportunity to think of you
Being silent gives me time to think about the words that have passed between us.
Dreaming gives me flashbacks of moments, of looks, of smiles … and previews of things hoped for and to come.
You are my heart, my love … you are my love, my heart…
So few are our moments together. Yes, there is time between us,
But moments – moments when I see the true essence of you – these moments when you bring the real me to the surface … moments when the lightest touch of your hand can feel like being hit by lightening ~ those moments are yet rare between us, My Love.
I dare not move, for fear of losing this sweet, short space in our time. Would that I could capture it forever and seal it in my heart for my love and I to share it again anon…
Wishing makes it all seem possible. Hoping makes it probable.
Being next to you makes it real.
My side is cold … you are not here …
Come back ~
I miss you, My Heart.

The Star That Went Nova …

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On Tuesday morning I said goodbye to an era. I am also forced to admit now that I also said goodbye to a mentor.

Astra Da Costa wasn’t only a mentor for me; if many of the young women who worked under her tutelage are honest, they would also admit that she left many a mark on their lives. Yes, some of the marks were negative, but there were positive ones too.

I’ve always said that AMPLE was a hell of a training ground for me. I think I learnt most of what I know in that formerly beautiful white building at the corner of Grey Street and Tragarete Road (I never understood the need to paint that majestic white building Vomit Pink!)

I sat in the church on Tuesday and allowed my mind to travel back in time. I went back to meetings and conversations that I had inadvertently deemed unnecessary, and as I replayed some of these instances, I realized that in her rather indirect but direct way, (trust me, that makes sense … this is after all the woman who coined ‘hurry slowly’) Astra had left the seeds of social responsibility and the need to be a part of something bigger than self with me.

I guess – having destroyed many a draft since I began writing this – all I really want to say is Thank You Astra for sharing some of your knowledge with us, for molding us into the strong, opinionated, independent, caring, careful yet reckless women that we are today. I, for sure, have learnt to laugh at myself, to appreciate every stately curve that I own … not to mention that I have now perfected the art of power dressing!

We’ve learnt to appreciate the love of family and good friends. We have also learnt to appreciate every second of time gifted to us and allow us to joke that this is because we NEVER had any time while we labored at AMP’s … but we appreciate it nonetheless.

Rest well ADC, because you’ve earned it, and please, whatever you do, DO NOT attempt to tell God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or St Peter how to do their jobs or how to make Heaven more efficient — It’s JUST NOT DONE! May I suggest some time in the choir loft??? You always did say that you missed singing.

Go with God, Auntie Astra!

I NEED A PHONE …

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I need a phone … not just any phone … I want a phone exactly like the one that I have. Why? Because I like my phone. What I don’t like however is the fact that my phone is falling apart as we speak.

The little non-entity that sold me my phone must really not have liked me, but that’s okay … I know why he didn’t and probably still doesn’t like me. I will however continue to stand by the statement that I made to said individual.

All I need is a Motorola Z-6 that works the way it should … that will not fall apart on me at the slightest nudge or smallest fall … I want a Z-6 that is reliable, won’t drop calls, won’t leave me without a bar of service at the most inopportune times … is that too much to ask?

I need a phone – JUST like my phone but different. Different in a way that makes sense to me … different in performance, but the same in looks … ya feel me?

I want my phone to be there for me and only me … password protected or not … my phone and I must have a one-to-one kind of relationship… it must answer when I call and be there for me and me alone…

Relationship … hmmm …

Interesting choice of word … I mean I am talking about a phone after all … right???

Many of us relate to our electronic gadgets the way we relate to the people in our lives. We can’t function without them and have forgotten what life was like before them. Could it be that we just want to belong so badly that we lose our common sense as soon as the next new thing appears on the horizon?

Not me! I just want my own phone but different. That makes perfect sense doesn’t it???

It’s like wanting your old boyfriend back, exactly as he was but different. You want his big strong arms, but you don’t want his temper. You want his sexual prowess, but you can do without the jealousy. You adore his thick curly hair, but can live away from his foul mouth. You know … EXACTLY alike but different…

Me? I just want a brand spanking new Motorola Z-6, in a new colour, but JUST LIKE my current phone – just without the moodiness, the dropped calls, the falling apart … stuff like that…

It’s not like I’m askin’ for the world or somethin’ …

Sheesh!

My H…

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Hardened to the point of orneriness and distraction
And sweetly teasing at the same time
You never know what to think or where you stand …
Don’t even try to understand the
Enigmatic man that you are…
Not that I’m complaining …

I love being around you …

Life is better with you in it
Over the years you’ve stolen my heart
Very easily with your wit, charm and ambition
Every smile is a treasure that

You can’t help but delight in
Oh but can you change like the weather … yet
Under the right moon … you’re my gem of an ‘H’!

Day Dreaming & Thinking of You…

daydreaming2

I dream of the day
When I wake up in your arms
I’m thinking of the possibilities
That await us
I’m trippin’ when I think
About the love I have for you
And the love in your heart for me
I’m dreaming of our future
As we try to navigate our present
While learning lessons from the past
I dream of the love and life
Waiting for us to get to the point
Of agreeing that I’m you’re and you’re mine
I’m thinking of the times before
When we lived and loved
In times gone by – uninhibited by
Thoughts of loss and fear
Honest with each other
Fearless and fierce in our
Devotion to each other
I dream of living our lives
The way we did in leaves of old
I dream of your arms around me
And your voice whispering
In my ear that you are mine
And will be with me until
I dream of we and meditate
On what is ahead for us
My dreams and my thoughts
Collide with my reality
As I see you approach me
Smiling at me that smile
That holds a promise
Of what is to come
Of what will be
Of what is being built
So I dream ~ I dream for you and me
I dream for we
And wait for the day
When we as we
Begin to build our dreams
Together…