I chose the title for this blog without giving much thought to the fact that I have an infamously short fuse; not to mention a way-too-low tolerance for bullshit.

How do I feel — REALLY?? The first words that spring to mind are … “WHAT??? YOU’RE JOKING RIGHT???!”, so incredulous is the question. The person who asks this has honestly been living under a huge-ass rock for a year.

NYEH NYEH – I TOLD YOU SO…
In a way, I feel vindicated. I said that no good would come of this holy People’s Partnership alliance and so far, no good has.

The unfortunate truth of the matter is that promises were their supposed future and broken promises are their present. There are thousands of citizens who are now mumbling and grumbling as they wonder why they signed on with the party in power – particularly the public servants and the people once employed by the CPEP programme. These are the people that they wooed, wined and dined with promises of higher wages, of job security, of integration into the services, of nests feathered with an endless supply of monetary goodies. They promised milk and honey and delivered cardboard and charcoal.

“COME CELEBRATE OUR YEAR OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS!”
Uhhhh … hello!!! What accomplishments?? You have done nothing more than take the credit for plans, projects and policies already in train; and not only have you taken the credit, you’ve been petty as hell about it. A prime example of same would be the ribbon cutting ceremony for the Powder Magazine Walk Over – the one with the elevators and ramps on both sides. This was the brainchild of then Minister of Works, Hon. Colm Imbert, yet JACK-IN-THE-BOX cuts the ribbon and does not deem it fit to invite Mr Imbert because as JACKASS-BOY puts it “H-h-h-h-e-e take t-t-tooo long!” PETTINESS!!!

The project is not … WAS not yours to take the glory for. It has been the same cry nationwide. None of your ideas have been original, so basically you’re doing stitches for another surgeon’s operation, Drs. Dread.

Mr Panday was brilliantly precise when he described the PP Government as FUNCITONAL, because that’s all you’ve been doing – going to functions; that and increasing your frequent flyer miles.

I BEEN HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE…
Must be nice travelling every other week, especially when you don’t have to pay. Why should you when there are so many giving taxpayers to rob … I mean rely on. It’s gotta be good being the PM – or one of her ministers/friends/family members/dog/cat/parakeet/hairdresser/stylists/side piece … cuz you know you’ll eventually get a trip or a hundred to somewhere. It must be great turning up in some foreign land or another, showing off your entourage – all under the guise of seeking the country’s interest. I’m sure that I’m not the only one awaiting the arrival of all of these supposed foreign investors for Trini … and I mean new ones, not the ones already courted by the former regime and the ones who were already putting ideas into action and landing on our shores. So yeah … you’re the ONLY one believing your hype.

HOW DO I REALLY FEEL??!
As a nation we feel hoodwinked, bamboozled, duped and run amok upon.

Personally I’M MAD AS HELL. Everyone who had a yellow t-shirt, some doubt and a voice went the way of CHANGE. Yeah we got change alright. We had a dollar and we changed it for five cents. Right now it looks as if we are still owed four of those five. Some of the newly disenchanted are attempting to soothe their wounds by saying that it wasn’t change but EXCHANGE.

BULLSHIT

This was not exchange, by any rate. Yes we had mismanagement, but dammit, it was manageable. There were instances of nepotism, but not like this. Crime existed and has always been a problem, but not on SO HIGH a level – and yes the rate is high, not matter how they attempt to doctor the headlines. There are crimes being committed and people being killed that are not being reported in a nasty attempt to drive the figures down. Racism is at an all time high, but hey … we’re alright – right???!

I am sick to my stomach as I watch my country unravel at its jagged seams.

We are sitting on a powder keg people. Wake up and smell the Johnny Walker Double Black and Grey Goose flavored coffee – a mixture that leaves a stench of vomit, greed, sex, lies, innuendo and ‘other’ unholy alliances behind.

Change? Yeah … change for the worst, alright …

Exchange? OH HELL NO!!! Not by along shot!!!

Are you prepared to deal with this particularly nightmarish scenario for another four years???

Be honest with yourself … a year has passed – how do YOU feel??!

Ah gorne!!!

IF:

You take offence everytime someone approaches you in a manner that you are not used to…

Your friend list isn’t growing because you believe that every member of the opposite sex is trying to get with you …

Your friend list isn’t growing because you believe that every member of the SAME SEX is trying to get with you …

You’re offended by everyone who talks to you…

You’re offended that NO ONE talks to you…

You have members of your own family on your block list (That last joke was just so very wrong, Cousin Ed!!!)…

You get incensed when people copy your carefully crafted, original quotations and use them as their own ,,, nevermind they quote your name as well …

You are ticked because other users copy those adorable doggie and kittie piccies that you posted. HOW DARE THEY??!

You have abso-frickin’-lutely no concept of PUBLIC DOMAIN…

You believe every instruction broadcasted on BBM, and you’re not only pissed at the sender for not cross referencing and double checking the results, but you’re pissed at yourself for yet again hitting ‘SEND’ …

You’re mad at people for not respecting your time and rest — nevermind that you’re up at 3AM changing your profile pic and status…

You don’t get that SOCIAL means INTERACTIVE, not SOCIAL as in the sense of ‘SOCIAL DORA’ (Trini reference), or for the rest of the planet, ANTI-SOCIAL. It ain’t a reference to your auntie; it’s a comment on your friggin’, unfriendly mindset and disposition …

You don’t get that stumbledupon means that you WILL BE FOUND. Yep … there it is again … PUBLIC DOMAIN…

You believe the government is monitoring your every move via your facebook account since you posted the other day that you really do love the opposition party…

You don’t get that ICQ means ‘I SEEK YOU’, so that people will ACTUALLY SEEK YOU OUT — the morons!!!

This is just the tip of the Social Networking mountain. Lemme know what your thoughts are … don’t be shy – not that any of you REALLY are …

THREE LITTLE WORDS …

Yeah I know you were expecting “I love you”, but I have come across three words that pertain to me — and right now they hold more power.

You see … these words are very much alike yet they are extremely different –

DEER, DEAR, DARE…

Confused much? Don’t be …

DEER

I’ve been, I sadly confess, a deer caught in headlights – waiting to be rescued by someone who would tell me that I didn’t need to say anything … that they understood and heard what was in my heart. I’ve stood in those headlights, longing for the arrival of my supposed Knight in shining armour, who would step out from behind those bright as hell headlights and scoop me up into his strong and competent arms from the path of the oncoming ‘chariot’ and save me from all impending danger. Unfortunately it never happened … the knight didn’t arrive, at least not in time – and invariably I was left to languish under the bus, wallowing in unrequited love, hurt, disappointment, anger and sadness. The ones that I kept near and dear before didn’t hold me in such high esteem. They preferred what they preferred and usually it was someone who they declared to be toxic and unworthy of their love and my worry. The truth is that they declared this so many times that their speeches usually ended up being read by the Universe as declarations of love and passion.

Having seen the cold hard light of dawn, I would be the one to detach and free them to languish in their self imposed toxicity while I licked my wounds … silently – yet again – wondering why it is they couldn’t see what I couldn’t say … all because no one held me …

DEAR

Oh to be dear to someone … that’s really all I’ve wanted – to be held in high and precious regard … to be the one whom others are willing to tilt at windmills for, and to feel moved to do the same.

To be dear is to be precious … to be thought of as special, worth fighting for, even if it means fighting with self. Holding someone dear makes us dear ourselves. Just as our dear ones glow, so do we … as they smile, so do we … it’s a wonderfully symbiotic relationship. Being held dear allows us permission to …

DARE

Dare to be different … dare to step out of the headlights … dare to speak out and into your own life. We dare to say all of the things that we’ve been storing up inside while we stood in those infamous headlights. We dare to be true to self and to the ones we hold dear. Finally we get to the point where nothing short of a watershed moment would give life to all that we have wanted so desperately to speak into being … to give life to.

So basically …
I was a deer until someone held me dear and as a result I now dare to be all the things that others believed that I could be – even when I didn’t – and all the things that I knew were locked deep inside but didn’t dare be.

I am changing, journey with me … I am a work in progress, but what progress I have made … all because I have now taken the time to dare …

Today I dare to fall through my fears because unless I do, I will never know what waits for me, and I will never sprout the appropriate wings that I will need for this flight…

I looked into his eyes
And I got lost …
Happily lost in their depths
Lost in the restful pools
That allow him access to my soul
He can see into me with those eyes
And he doesn’t even have to try
I can see myself in his eyes too
I watch, fascinated, as I fall
Deeper and deeper into his eyes
Deeper and deeper into him

He holds my gaze
And keeps my attention
In such a way that
I forget who may have
Squatted here before
Happily lost am I in
The cool assurance of his stare
Warmed by the dark lava like
Center orbs that into me see
I feel the heat on my face
As we silently explore our new intimacy

He pulls me in with
Those tractor beams
I’m swimming … going
Further than I need to but
Who cares…
I want to be need to him
To be totally mesmerized
By the cool heat
Of his eyes…

So here it is, I’m at the start again, and trying to make sense of this crazy lil thing hat shall remain nameless.

I know that people believe that they are being helpful. I know that they think that wisdom is the thing that I crave. What they don’t get is that the thing I need most is CONSISTENCY… and I need it in all things, particularly in things concerning MY HEART.

I’m constantly being told to turn myself around – as in reinvent myself. Everyone knows PRECISELY what’s right for me, and it’s all conflicting.

Be forthcoming … be mysterious; tell him what’s on your mind … don’t say anything; be shy … be bold…

WTF??! There’s only one of me; yet everyone is trying to break me into tiny little pieces. Am I really that naïve? Is it that the life I’ve led in the past forty-odd years has really left me so cloistered and unprepared for the world?

I don’t think that I’m seeking the impossible, and I don’t believe that I’m being unreasonable. I require very little to keep me happy … I want respect, trust, love, affection, honesty … consistency. I could demand these things, but I don’t. I TRUST that the man who wants to be with me will willingly give these things and give them abundantly.

It is still amazing for me to have to realize that as a WOMAN, I’m the one who has to bend myself 16 different ways to Sunday to please the male of the species. Question is, who is bending himself into knots and twists just to keep me happy? And is he going to do so willingly and be patient while I figure out what it is I really need?

Should you be strolling through town and you find one or more of these gems, would you kindly send him way? The fact is that I have found one of them … he just doesn’t know how wonderful he Is as yet … but he will! (Wink, wink)

It’s the strangest thing but I’ve just discovered – well not really JUST – but discovered nonetheless that we are sometimes so chained to the idea of being melancholy that we can actually fear our awaiting happiness.

There really isn’t anything new under the sun, and I know that someone else has already had the particular AHA! Moment, yet it is quite amazing to me that so many of us live in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to fall.

A prime example is my relationship record. I don’t love easily, but when I do love I love hard. As a result I have sat idly by and watched myself get taken advantage of, all in the name of L-O-V-E. There have been a couple of instances when I have overextended myself and taken the stories given to me to heart in order for me to give and give and give of my best, while I received crumbs in return. Nevertheless I pressed forward, sure and assured that the love was there and it would grow.

As we say in local parlance – SALT! That is what I was presented with in the end … salt. Recently, I took myself out of a particular equation and finally admitted that I was constantly being sucker punched. Therefore the decision was finally and clearly made that I needed to save ME. The one who was constantly showered with my affection, effort, understanding, absolution … this same one who gave nothing but fragments in return, has been set free to sit in his proverbial pile of filth … toxic baby mama and all … thereby freeing me to explore the other options that were being presented to me.

This is where it gets interesting. Not only was I being shown another way to be with and around a grown man who behaves like one and was and is showing me the interest and affection that one should expect, here I was … waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find myself looking for and hoping to find phantoms that would give justification to the way that I felt. There had to be something wrong hidden somewhere and I was going to find it dammit!

The sad thing is that I spent so much time looking for what wasn’t there that I almost missed the boat completely. That’s when it dawned that I needed to free myself from all of the paraphernalia of the past and allow myself to be free enough to accept my happiness and everything that goes with it.

It sounds like an insurmountable task … it also sound like some sort of twisted chicken soup for the soul, but it isn’t. The key to this freedom is knowing that as a child of the Most High, happiness is a given. Worry is a learnt habit. We’re not born to worry, but we gain the knowledge from those around us. Worry is particularly fascinating for the female of the species, but I digress.

Give yourself permission to laugh and smile and enjoy things genuinely.

The good things are all pre-ordained. The nasty little surprises along the way are the things that we manifest via worry, doubt and distrust.

Bless UP!

TIS THE SEASON Y’ALL!! GIVE A BOOK FOR CHRISTMAS…

If you’re in Trinidad and Tobago, I’ll even autograph it when you get it – just hit me up!

here are the links:

At Last: www.amazon.com

Whispers Within: www.lulu.com

or contact me – wooziejee@yahoo.com

It has been said that God’s greatest creation is woman, because she can bring forth life. Women, nurture, birth, feed, love, spoil, and generally form the world that we all share. I am proud to be one of those magnificent creations, and I always have been. Even as a child, I somehow thought myself a little above those other creatures … yuh know them and we love them – MEN!  But I digress.

Today is a day to celebrate my sisterhood in a real way. Today we take the time to think about all of the ones who have gone before, who fought the fight – some won and others lost. Today we stand up yet again in our fight against Brest Cancer.

I long to see the day when those pretty pink ribbons can be folded in a different way, so as to commemorate that day when breast cancer, indeed ALL cancer, has been eradicated from the earth.

In a time when we seem to be damned if we do and damned if we don’t on so many cancer fighting levels, it is still important for us to realize and celebrate the fact that we are not alone. Gone are the days when talking about this disease seemed to be so taboo and discussion could only be held behind firmly closed doors. We need to remember that we are free to stand up and shout out that we’re not going to be ignored … that this is IMPORTANT to us and our daughters and the rest of our families … that life NEEDS to go on with or without us.

For the past few decades we have been putting our faith in the medical practitioners and scientists as we live in constant hope for change and cure. The medicines have improved yes, but there’s so much that is yet to be done.

Today I am thankful on behalf of the families of survivors … of the ones who have had near misses … and even of the ones who have gone on to another plane. For those who survive and have had near misses, the experience of Breast Cancer cultivates a new form of strength of character and resolve. Finding that one is faced with this particular challenge opens up new doors and windows, inclusive of the ones that we were hoping to keep tightly shit. Cancer is unfortunately the great equalizer, bringing us to one level – that level being that of desperate hope. The ones who have passed over from this life are the strongest. They have had to be strong for themselves and for their families. They came to a place of resolution and then they spent what was left of their time in our presence, attempting to shore us up and give us hope. They admonished us to not make their mistakes, and to live our lives to the fullest. In the end we mourn, but it is likely that many of us mourn not just the loss of that loved one but we also mourn the loss of their sense of direction, their silent strength, even their pain, for in their pain, they were still with us.

We mourn for ourselves too, wondering how we can go on, and of course, asking God why.

We, as an Army of Women are admonished to get involved, to stand up and be counted and to ensure that all that can be done and must be done will indeed be done in the names of the ones who have lost. We all have our weaknesses but we also have our strengths. Every little bit helps- from the pink lids on yogurt, to the purchasing of anything bearing the pink ribbon logo, to organizing events, to signing legislature – WHATEVER IT TAKES! It is our destiny and our mission in life to make sure that all that can be done is done to ensure the eradication of this disease.

There are stories that need to be told and we are the ones to tell them. There are books to be read and written and we need to be the ones to read them out loud.

Today I CHOOSE to focus on the positivity that has come out of the strides that are constantly being made in the battle against breast cancer … in fact against ALL cancers. Today I congratulate the pioneers of science and medicine who do their thing on a daily basis to ensure that soon this too will be a disease of the past.

Today is a good day – in fact it is a great day … because today is the beginning of the rest of our lives!

I looked with some interest at the headline of today’s Trinidad Guardian, which indicated that there is a mass exodus of media ‘personalities, a.k.a. journalists, all of whom seem to be heading blithely into Governmental service.

Interesting …

Whatever happened to being paragons of virtue and the ‘voice of the people’? what happened to the need to investigate the wrongs and bad habits of the government and all concerned with them – be they contracts, persons of interest, hidden agendas?

Is it that these things are only important when certain people are the targets?

Interesting …

So … apparently now that ‘everything is right with the world’ we have a huge chunk of the media moving in to governmental service … what a bleepin joke!

It is now blatantly obvious that anyone can be bought for a good enough price, even members of the 5th estate.

Case in point: I have been watching with avid interest, along with some of my fellow observers, the interesting goings on and behavior of two PROMINENT members of the current Cabinet. It would seem that some people cannot walk without having their hands held, and others cannot walk without having hands to hold. Be it at the airport, the parliament, public meetings, from one car to the next … these two act like kindergarten buddies. Seeing as how the photographs have been appearing in every single daily and weekend newspaper produced in Trinidad and Tobago, I find it rather strange that nothing has been written about this situation. However, had this been the former Prime Minister’s wife and another member of the former Cabinet, there would have been such a furor brought to life that it would have been heard all the way in North America.

Why the double standard fellas? Where are those investigative minds that you’re all so proud of – the same ones who for the past few years have been reporting blindly and then printing tiny page 1 and 2 apologies for slanderous comments?

Have you now learnt the error of your ways? Or is it that this regime pays better? Inquiring minds want to know.

Has it occurred to any of you ship jumping jokers that you’re following the scent of a dangling carrot in order to keep you silent? Are you aware that you have joined the ranks of the government propaganda machine – the same machine that you raged against, a short few months ago? It just strikes me as passing strange that you’re all willing to become the right hand men and women of this crop of ‘stooges’ but you weren’t willing to do the same for those who went before.

Tell me … how are you going to spend your thirty pieces of silver – the ones who gained when you sold your collective souls and sold out the people who look to you for opinions and advice. Is it that we are all going t have to stay tuned for the Department of Information weekend programming to know what’s going on in sweet T&T?

Dare God I hope not.

To say that I am disappointed is a major understatement. To say that I’m surprised would be a lie.

Tread lightly gents, and know that the people that you will ignore on the way ‘up’ are attached to the same asses that you will have to kiss on the way back down!

Friendship is a funny thing. There are times when we need to stretch to accommodate the baggage that might sneak in, and there are times when we need to contract in order to keep our perspective and sanity.

I’m trying to figure out where I am in a particular friendship, and I just had a WTF moment.

As the adult on record in this get up, I’m wondering if the age difference is causing a significant shift when it comes to things like translation and understanding. Maybe it is that I’m expecting too much from the individual, but the difference is not so insurmountable that common sense cannot and will not kick in.

Why is it so easy for some of us to be obtuse and hurtful to the needs of many of us? Is it just me or is it that it feels like paranoia has become the norm for some of us? Why is it so easy for some of us to be mean spirited and bitter towards the achievements of the majority of us?

I know that I’m asking a myriad of questions, and I know that many of those questions are rhetorical. By the same token, there are really some of us who can cause amazement to hurt the brain.

Example.

I’ve been attempting to pursue a particular course for the past few months, and someone whom I now recognize as a bandwagonist announced that they would come aboard and we would stay the course together, and use our ‘existing’ buddy system to lessen the ‘pains’ as it were.

I believed them when they said that they were ready. I made myself available to them, and I did what I could to introduce her to the tenets that she would need to follow…

Why then … at the end of it all … are they attempting to make me feel that this is somehow my fault?

Hindsight is 20/20 vision and I’ve put a few pieces of the puzzle together.

This isn’t about me. It is about them and their baggage, and I refuse to be the trash guy. It’s about their decisions and their priorities and until they come to the point of acknowledging that there are changes to be made, then they will continue to wallow in their ‘ignunce’, and that’s just the way it is.

I will do what I need to do for me and that’s it. When they are ready to handle their shit, they will do what needs to be done for them – plain and simple.

We all need to be adult enough to do what we need to for ourselves, and by the same token we need to be adult enough to take the responsibility for the fucked up decisions that we sometimes make, thereby avoiding the stupid blame game that we seem to always want to play …

And that’s my take!